Day 16 - BAU :(
Well day 16 has confirmed BAU, Sunday bloody Sunday :(
Usual routine of waking early and doing some work, trying to catch up with EMC life, timesheets, email, design prep etc.. Everyone else gets up some 5 hrs later, ready for me to cook them breakfast. A full English follows and we wait for the shopping to arrive, followed by F1 (well done Jensen - a brilliant result for your 200th race!) and then spend the rest of the afternoon prepping and cooking roast lamb and backing up and rebuilding laptop.
Many drunken squabbles follow with associated extravagant, unrealistic threats with me acting as arbiter as usual and trying to calm things down and frequently retreating to the sanctity of my office to continue with the rebuild instead - Some days you just wanna go to sleep and wake up to something new, or not at all :(
But I digress, this was supposed to be an outlet for thoughts and emotions stemming from Dad, not just a daily whinge of how bad my life is!!
So I guess that is it dear blog. It has been a cathartic process and one which has been largely managed and focused to this waffling media but now my feelings are more controlled and I can speak factually about it all, albeit with the occasional breach of the mental breakwater. Coupled with suddenly finding there isn't enough time to sit down and concentrate on writing this text, whereas before it was simple to just pen my feelings as they occupied so large a portion of my consciousness, I now have to dig around to stir them up which feels artificial to a certain degree and therefore worthless for this purpose.
Still cannot concentrate, still feel guilty about missing so much work, still finding it hard to pick up the pieces and carry on but I guess that's life. With so much time missed this quarter it will be nigh on impossible to achieve any billable utilisation targets and with the ever-changing management structure, support will be hard to come by I suspect, so Mum may get her wish and I might have to start writing eulogies for a living !! With Dad gone we now need to concentrate on Mum - making sure she is okay and gradually withdrawing Heather's presence to allow her to begin her new life. Seems to be on track so far though, dining out, trips to Paulton's Park, eating lunch at a time other than 12:15, with minimal time to herself but standards are slipping though - chicken curry for Sunday lunch - disgraceful !! Add not being able to invite her round for lunch to my long, long list of shame :(
There have been a couple of dozen other thoughts that I wanted to add here which have been swamped in my mess of a mind but I really can't perpetuate this much longer. Keep thinking I should spend some time and compose a suitable signing off note to end this blog but I have said so may goodbyes recently it would only appear trite in comparison. Day 0 was raw and still brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it and it goes without saying that Dad will be sorely missed, always loved, always remembered and will live on in so many ways - Oh hang on, naked emotions are flooding back - maybe I'll just add the odd page of anecdotes to exercise my tear ducts every now and then or possibly make that FB/G+ page so that anyone else can do the same if they wish, I don't know.
So, anyway. Being an alturistic empath is never simple, lots of people cannot grasp the concept of 'better to give than receive' but if you have derived anything useful from this verbage than you are welcome. I make no apologies for having made you feel, other than my sincerest sorrow if I have upset you in any way, shape or form and thank you for taking the time to read and to share and to maybe understand.
This chapter may be over but there are many more to come whether blogged or not so I thank you Dad for everything you did and everything that you gave me and I only wish I could have been more like you and pray that you embarked on your final journey content with your legacy.
Tight lines.
