Day 16 - BAU :(
Well day 16 has confirmed BAU, Sunday bloody Sunday :(
Usual routine of waking early and doing some work, trying to catch up with EMC life, timesheets, email, design prep etc.. Everyone else gets up some 5 hrs later, ready for me to cook them breakfast. A full English follows and we wait for the shopping to arrive, followed by F1 (well done Jensen - a brilliant result for your 200th race!) and then spend the rest of the afternoon prepping and cooking roast lamb and backing up and rebuilding laptop.
Many drunken squabbles follow with associated extravagant, unrealistic threats with me acting as arbiter as usual and trying to calm things down and frequently retreating to the sanctity of my office to continue with the rebuild instead - Some days you just wanna go to sleep and wake up to something new, or not at all :(
But I digress, this was supposed to be an outlet for thoughts and emotions stemming from Dad, not just a daily whinge of how bad my life is!!
So I guess that is it dear blog. It has been a cathartic process and one which has been largely managed and focused to this waffling media but now my feelings are more controlled and I can speak factually about it all, albeit with the occasional breach of the mental breakwater. Coupled with suddenly finding there isn't enough time to sit down and concentrate on writing this text, whereas before it was simple to just pen my feelings as they occupied so large a portion of my consciousness, I now have to dig around to stir them up which feels artificial to a certain degree and therefore worthless for this purpose.
Still cannot concentrate, still feel guilty about missing so much work, still finding it hard to pick up the pieces and carry on but I guess that's life. With so much time missed this quarter it will be nigh on impossible to achieve any billable utilisation targets and with the ever-changing management structure, support will be hard to come by I suspect, so Mum may get her wish and I might have to start writing eulogies for a living !! With Dad gone we now need to concentrate on Mum - making sure she is okay and gradually withdrawing Heather's presence to allow her to begin her new life. Seems to be on track so far though, dining out, trips to Paulton's Park, eating lunch at a time other than 12:15, with minimal time to herself but standards are slipping though - chicken curry for Sunday lunch - disgraceful !! Add not being able to invite her round for lunch to my long, long list of shame :(
There have been a couple of dozen other thoughts that I wanted to add here which have been swamped in my mess of a mind but I really can't perpetuate this much longer. Keep thinking I should spend some time and compose a suitable signing off note to end this blog but I have said so may goodbyes recently it would only appear trite in comparison. Day 0 was raw and still brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it and it goes without saying that Dad will be sorely missed, always loved, always remembered and will live on in so many ways - Oh hang on, naked emotions are flooding back - maybe I'll just add the odd page of anecdotes to exercise my tear ducts every now and then or possibly make that FB/G+ page so that anyone else can do the same if they wish, I don't know.
So, anyway. Being an alturistic empath is never simple, lots of people cannot grasp the concept of 'better to give than receive' but if you have derived anything useful from this verbage than you are welcome. I make no apologies for having made you feel, other than my sincerest sorrow if I have upset you in any way, shape or form and thank you for taking the time to read and to share and to maybe understand.
This chapter may be over but there are many more to come whether blogged or not so I thank you Dad for everything you did and everything that you gave me and I only wish I could have been more like you and pray that you embarked on your final journey content with your legacy.
Tight lines.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Day 15
Day 15 - "probability factor of one to one...we have normality"
And there we are. Two weeks after the event and less than a month since this whole saga began - Feels wrong to act as though nothing has happened. A part of me still wants to grieve, to perpetuate the pain and the heartache, to wear a black armband with pride and to recount tales of times past but the difference now is that I have to go looking for these feelings - like an actor remembering a lost, loved one to tap into the emotion and produce genuine tears on demand, in stark contrast to the past weeks where emotions just crashed down upon you at any opportunity, one triggering another then another until you hit sensory, emotional overload and crumble.
A grey and overcast sort of day today, Jake off to training at Mountbatten in preparation for this weekend's Southern Champs event in Ashford, so I wander along the shore and take some more pics and have a play with different apertures and effects. Depth of field is shockingly small at 120mm, even at f22 but there are some nice reflections to play with.
Back home for online, weekly shop, Hungarian F1 Grand Prix qualifications (Vettel, Hamilton, Button, Massa, Alonso, Webber) - Hamilton shining but for a stunning last lap by Vettel, then off out for KFC and Tescos - normality has definitely returned. Jake in typical belligerent, annoying mood, winding Angie up throughout - He still hasn't grasped the concept of being nice and playing the game as he wants to go to a party tonight but boy, does he make it difficult !! Tony round for tea, some nice steak ruined by bad cooking - concentration not entirely back to where it needs to be.
Tony off home, night-nurse Heather at her post and Jake has followed instructions for once and found a quiet place to receive my phone call - maybe he is learning after all. Fall asleep at my desk trying to update my timesheet and upload photos and wake to the sounds of Angie having a loud and illogical conversation with Jake about a teenager's favourite tipples of Strongbow and Lambrini. She expects me to wade in to support but her drunken logic makes any sensible admonishment impossible and wildly hypocritical !! He seems ok but I do worry that the importance of his image to his peers will overcome any common sense without too much trouble :(
And there we are. Two weeks after the event and less than a month since this whole saga began - Feels wrong to act as though nothing has happened. A part of me still wants to grieve, to perpetuate the pain and the heartache, to wear a black armband with pride and to recount tales of times past but the difference now is that I have to go looking for these feelings - like an actor remembering a lost, loved one to tap into the emotion and produce genuine tears on demand, in stark contrast to the past weeks where emotions just crashed down upon you at any opportunity, one triggering another then another until you hit sensory, emotional overload and crumble.
A grey and overcast sort of day today, Jake off to training at Mountbatten in preparation for this weekend's Southern Champs event in Ashford, so I wander along the shore and take some more pics and have a play with different apertures and effects. Depth of field is shockingly small at 120mm, even at f22 but there are some nice reflections to play with.Back home for online, weekly shop, Hungarian F1 Grand Prix qualifications (Vettel, Hamilton, Button, Massa, Alonso, Webber) - Hamilton shining but for a stunning last lap by Vettel, then off out for KFC and Tescos - normality has definitely returned. Jake in typical belligerent, annoying mood, winding Angie up throughout - He still hasn't grasped the concept of being nice and playing the game as he wants to go to a party tonight but boy, does he make it difficult !! Tony round for tea, some nice steak ruined by bad cooking - concentration not entirely back to where it needs to be.
Tony off home, night-nurse Heather at her post and Jake has followed instructions for once and found a quiet place to receive my phone call - maybe he is learning after all. Fall asleep at my desk trying to update my timesheet and upload photos and wake to the sounds of Angie having a loud and illogical conversation with Jake about a teenager's favourite tipples of Strongbow and Lambrini. She expects me to wade in to support but her drunken logic makes any sensible admonishment impossible and wildly hypocritical !! He seems ok but I do worry that the importance of his image to his peers will overcome any common sense without too much trouble :(
Day 14
Day 14 - Nearly There
A few hours prep and the day begins with a 9 o'clock concall with the major Customer that I had to get the design completed for last week. Luckily enough no one else from EMC managed to join so I was able to defer most questions as they were mainly in response to the SME's concerns. More work thrown in for good measure then off to the Crem for the burial of the ashes, Jake still asleep after being online to his girlfriend(?) via webcam most of the night. We get there just in time and obviously before Michael (although only just!), still not entirely sure I want to go through with this and even though I said I might stay with Mum in the car, I can see various people getting upset but as Mum said; "It's not your Dad in the box" - Completely agree and after seeing the guy appear with a rake in one hand and a large industrial-looking, metal canister in the other, that feeling is completely confirmed. We trudge off nevertheless, stopping only for M&M to collect some flowers from Wednesday's funeral, petals falling with every step, adding to the sense of dis-occasion and despair, across the brown, struggling grass, past some nicely carved tree stumps to a small, white post with 'plot 19' painted crudely on it. Here there was a small indentation in the soil in front of a tree as if a small animal had been foraging for something tasty, we all stood and stared at it for a moment and then the man in black lent across, positioned the canister in the well of soil and pulled the lever. Didn't help that I was instantly reminded of emptying a Dyson vacuum cleaner and wondered how bad it would be if the wind was gusting - solemn thoughts are now far away :(
After a short while when I guess I should have been remembering and praying, we wander off back down the path, passing floral tributes scattered carefully throughout the flower beds in various states of decay with pathside plants also showing signs of water shortage and looking tired and forlorn - must remember to mention it to Heather as it could be a nice photo-assignment, some moving black and whites of dead floral tributes on aged gravestones in St. Mary's churchyard etc. combining love, life and death or something. When I was at school in Dortmund, Germany there was a huge, grand cemetery across the road from the school where we would sometimes go for lunch. Beautiful shrubbery and impressive statues, monoliths and obelisk but it commanded a deep sense of respect (except when it snowed heavily and it then become a valuable source of untouched snow!). Something I really didn't feel in our little crem. :(
So, M&M&Mum off to Uncle Mick's for the day, Heather, K&H off to the flicks and my fellow wizard Tony off to the Watercress Line (if bus schedules allow), so Angie and me head off to the precinct to return a mountain of books to the library for Heather. I end up munching a crusty cheese and pickle roll whilst waiting for Angie to finish her shopping, sat on a bench in the pri - can almost appreciate Tony's current way of life, just sitting there, watching the world rush past. Brief moment of solace and solitude broken by Angie returning with her fayre and phone calls from work :(
Back home to continue work and then fall asleep waiting for old laptop to respond for an hour or so :( More work, another concall, this time with Jon and then give up for a small vodka+coke before curry night ! :)
Heather is really dreading going to work tomorrow as she apparently spent most of last week worrying how Mum was and made a few mistakes through lack of concentration - all not helped by some of the 'inspirational' comments made by her boss in the last report. Eventually get to speak to the man (Peter) and he manages to get someone to cover her shift, now knows about Dad and will speak to her next week properly about her fears. Drop her round Mum's for the night shift (it really only was a very small vodka - just the dregs of the bottle some 4.5 hrs ago), pick up bits and pieces and back home to fall asleep in front of the TV.
So was that it then? Felt more guilty today about not working than any time over the past 2 weeks and yet have probably worked more. A few weeks of pain, suffering and grief and we're all done? Today's visit to the crem, underlined the episode in a way by making it an emotionless, formal ritual, far more than Wednesday did and I can say Dad's name and explain rationally my time time over the past few weeks, although getting too nostalgic is not really possible :(
I wouldn't say I have forgotten Dad but I do seem to have overcome the initial shock of his sudden departure and using the excuse of; "I'm sorry but my Father has just passed away", is beginning to feel more of an excuse than a genuine cause. I think that writing this blog has helped in it's own little way and by documenting my thoughts, they have become more tangible and easier to stand apart from and deal with. Two weeks ago we were scared, confused and fearful of the future and now... not nothing, more like Dad's off on another assignment - best keep an eye on the post and look after Mum.
A few hours prep and the day begins with a 9 o'clock concall with the major Customer that I had to get the design completed for last week. Luckily enough no one else from EMC managed to join so I was able to defer most questions as they were mainly in response to the SME's concerns. More work thrown in for good measure then off to the Crem for the burial of the ashes, Jake still asleep after being online to his girlfriend(?) via webcam most of the night. We get there just in time and obviously before Michael (although only just!), still not entirely sure I want to go through with this and even though I said I might stay with Mum in the car, I can see various people getting upset but as Mum said; "It's not your Dad in the box" - Completely agree and after seeing the guy appear with a rake in one hand and a large industrial-looking, metal canister in the other, that feeling is completely confirmed. We trudge off nevertheless, stopping only for M&M to collect some flowers from Wednesday's funeral, petals falling with every step, adding to the sense of dis-occasion and despair, across the brown, struggling grass, past some nicely carved tree stumps to a small, white post with 'plot 19' painted crudely on it. Here there was a small indentation in the soil in front of a tree as if a small animal had been foraging for something tasty, we all stood and stared at it for a moment and then the man in black lent across, positioned the canister in the well of soil and pulled the lever. Didn't help that I was instantly reminded of emptying a Dyson vacuum cleaner and wondered how bad it would be if the wind was gusting - solemn thoughts are now far away :(
After a short while when I guess I should have been remembering and praying, we wander off back down the path, passing floral tributes scattered carefully throughout the flower beds in various states of decay with pathside plants also showing signs of water shortage and looking tired and forlorn - must remember to mention it to Heather as it could be a nice photo-assignment, some moving black and whites of dead floral tributes on aged gravestones in St. Mary's churchyard etc. combining love, life and death or something. When I was at school in Dortmund, Germany there was a huge, grand cemetery across the road from the school where we would sometimes go for lunch. Beautiful shrubbery and impressive statues, monoliths and obelisk but it commanded a deep sense of respect (except when it snowed heavily and it then become a valuable source of untouched snow!). Something I really didn't feel in our little crem. :(
So, M&M&Mum off to Uncle Mick's for the day, Heather, K&H off to the flicks and my fellow wizard Tony off to the Watercress Line (if bus schedules allow), so Angie and me head off to the precinct to return a mountain of books to the library for Heather. I end up munching a crusty cheese and pickle roll whilst waiting for Angie to finish her shopping, sat on a bench in the pri - can almost appreciate Tony's current way of life, just sitting there, watching the world rush past. Brief moment of solace and solitude broken by Angie returning with her fayre and phone calls from work :(
Back home to continue work and then fall asleep waiting for old laptop to respond for an hour or so :( More work, another concall, this time with Jon and then give up for a small vodka+coke before curry night ! :)
Heather is really dreading going to work tomorrow as she apparently spent most of last week worrying how Mum was and made a few mistakes through lack of concentration - all not helped by some of the 'inspirational' comments made by her boss in the last report. Eventually get to speak to the man (Peter) and he manages to get someone to cover her shift, now knows about Dad and will speak to her next week properly about her fears. Drop her round Mum's for the night shift (it really only was a very small vodka - just the dregs of the bottle some 4.5 hrs ago), pick up bits and pieces and back home to fall asleep in front of the TV.
So was that it then? Felt more guilty today about not working than any time over the past 2 weeks and yet have probably worked more. A few weeks of pain, suffering and grief and we're all done? Today's visit to the crem, underlined the episode in a way by making it an emotionless, formal ritual, far more than Wednesday did and I can say Dad's name and explain rationally my time time over the past few weeks, although getting too nostalgic is not really possible :(
I wouldn't say I have forgotten Dad but I do seem to have overcome the initial shock of his sudden departure and using the excuse of; "I'm sorry but my Father has just passed away", is beginning to feel more of an excuse than a genuine cause. I think that writing this blog has helped in it's own little way and by documenting my thoughts, they have become more tangible and easier to stand apart from and deal with. Two weeks ago we were scared, confused and fearful of the future and now... not nothing, more like Dad's off on another assignment - best keep an eye on the post and look after Mum.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Day 13
Day 13 - Step 1 to Normality?
Douglas Adams must have had a bigger affect on my subconscious than I thought, normality? all that springs to mind is; "Five to one against and falling..." she said, "four to one against and falling...three to one...two...one...probability factor of one to one...we have normality, I repeat we have normality." She turned her microphone off — then turned it back on, with a slight smile and continued: "Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.", which is quite touching really. The teddy bears have had their picnic (unless you are a fan of the brilliant Mongrels and have had your memory of this forever tainted, nay (did I really say that!?!), corrupted!!) and that is that, chapter almost over. :( Strange, last three words brings a tear to my eye - something very strange with actually admitting that that is it, game over, no more, nicht, zilch, null points from (was going to say Norway but they deserve far more respect than that), nowhereland. Instant guilt about being emotionless, glib, flippant again, cautious realisation of being practical and more guilt for even considering it - talk about messed up - is this really the same for everyone? I guess it is (other than the vocality of it all) but WTF? What purpose does this all serve? (Get out team evangelist soapbox once again!) - A need for raising awareness, a need to tell all, to force the memories to be preserved and recounted, to enable the socialisation of experiences ? - weird.
Got back into some real work today and instantly spent time feeling guilty about not mourning. It's okay if I am talking to people on the phone but my focus is still off. Chatted to Brian and Clive about project issues and get this feeling that I am not really listening or commited to my replies - weird, again. I am telling everyone that I'll be back, fully functional on Monday but part of me thinks this may last longer but how can I justify this to Work? "I'm feeling a little sad today, so I'd rather not work? - I don't think so - maybe I can get away wth just working mornings for a couple of weeks? That would prevent any human contact on the whole !
Anyway, Heather is out at the Sea Life centre this morning (and awake before Mum!!), Jake is glued to the laptop and Angie is reading a book - so no point in doing anything other than work. Court the idea of popping off down Southsea to meet Heather et al for lunch for a few short minutes before phone calls put paid to that. The old laptop had been rebooted early this morning and has been reindexing 50GB+ of photos since 02:00hrs with the cpu at a flat 100% - gonna take some time so I upload via Google+ without resizing and it takes it all and with no change to my quota!!
Not spoken with Mum at all today but she has been out and about, Heather doesn't make it home at all :( Will see them both tomorrow at the burial ceremony at the Crem.
Douglas Adams must have had a bigger affect on my subconscious than I thought, normality? all that springs to mind is; "Five to one against and falling..." she said, "four to one against and falling...three to one...two...one...probability factor of one to one...we have normality, I repeat we have normality." She turned her microphone off — then turned it back on, with a slight smile and continued: "Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.", which is quite touching really. The teddy bears have had their picnic (unless you are a fan of the brilliant Mongrels and have had your memory of this forever tainted, nay (did I really say that!?!), corrupted!!) and that is that, chapter almost over. :( Strange, last three words brings a tear to my eye - something very strange with actually admitting that that is it, game over, no more, nicht, zilch, null points from (was going to say Norway but they deserve far more respect than that), nowhereland. Instant guilt about being emotionless, glib, flippant again, cautious realisation of being practical and more guilt for even considering it - talk about messed up - is this really the same for everyone? I guess it is (other than the vocality of it all) but WTF? What purpose does this all serve? (Get out team evangelist soapbox once again!) - A need for raising awareness, a need to tell all, to force the memories to be preserved and recounted, to enable the socialisation of experiences ? - weird.
Got back into some real work today and instantly spent time feeling guilty about not mourning. It's okay if I am talking to people on the phone but my focus is still off. Chatted to Brian and Clive about project issues and get this feeling that I am not really listening or commited to my replies - weird, again. I am telling everyone that I'll be back, fully functional on Monday but part of me thinks this may last longer but how can I justify this to Work? "I'm feeling a little sad today, so I'd rather not work? - I don't think so - maybe I can get away wth just working mornings for a couple of weeks? That would prevent any human contact on the whole !
Anyway, Heather is out at the Sea Life centre this morning (and awake before Mum!!), Jake is glued to the laptop and Angie is reading a book - so no point in doing anything other than work. Court the idea of popping off down Southsea to meet Heather et al for lunch for a few short minutes before phone calls put paid to that. The old laptop had been rebooted early this morning and has been reindexing 50GB+ of photos since 02:00hrs with the cpu at a flat 100% - gonna take some time so I upload via Google+ without resizing and it takes it all and with no change to my quota!!
Not spoken with Mum at all today but she has been out and about, Heather doesn't make it home at all :( Will see them both tomorrow at the burial ceremony at the Crem.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Day 12
Day 12 - D-Day
Or F-Day or C-Day, take your pick but today is the day of Dad's funeral :( A day for celebrating Dad's life and not mourning his passing as everyone says - Funny how celebrating his life is more painful than considering his death. Is that a part of what makes us human? The innate ability and desperate need for masochistic grieving over the passing of a family member? Actually probably not as various other animals pair-bond for life and grieve but it is still a distinctly odd trait to have when all things are considered. I suppose it is like I say at work; the building of a communal knowledge pool, raising awareness and allowing the experiences of the past to refine your experience of the future. Learning lessons and sharing experiences so that memories and habits live on through future generations. Hmm... not a time to wax lyrical or get my team-spirit soapbox out.
Need to concentrate on something inert today and try to block out the rest or I will be a soggy heap on the floor somewhere along the line. I keep saying that I'll get an ipod with subtle, black earphones so that I can just sit and nod and smile at people, all the while listening to something disrespectful in my head - wish I'd gone through with that idea :)
So been sat here at my desk since 05:00 this morning and haven't even packed camera yet - yes I am taking it and no, it is not disrespectful, although the look an Angie's face when she thought I was taking my camera bag into the chapel(?) was priceless !! I would like to though, give me something to do and think about and I do love taking candid portraits of people who are displaying emotion on their faces, so please don't think bad of me if I do - It's all done in the best possible taste (that probably hasn't helped my cause but it is sincere). Dad loved photography as the many hundred of slides hidden away stand testament to. He gave me my first SLR when I was 10 or 11 and I thank him frequently for giving me the responsibility at such a young age and giving me such a potentially expressive hobby.
Anyway, I digress - must focus or it will be a very bad day. Not ignoring you, just unable to speak - my apologies up front. Please excuse any inappropriate comments - it's not just a bad habit, it is me, permanently flippant - sorry. I remember at my Nan's funeral only saying four words to my favourite cousin (no slur intended on any of the others !), Julie which caused her to burst into tears and run off and it wasn't even anything bad. Long time ago but I still feel bad about that - weird what stays with you ! And the eyes start leaking again - gonna be a hopeless sort of day I think, can't imagine how Mum is going to get through this, possibly admirably as she has been so far, trouble is I think we will all set each other off the second we are all together - maybe they should sit us in opposite corners ! :(
So, suit retrieved from dry cleaners, overpaid them for being so helpful, the smallest of the three ginormous shirts chosen and bare bits on shoes covered with polish and we set off crammed into Mary's baby tractor. Very warm day today :( Standing around at Mum's discussing our various wardrobe issues - my massive shirt, Peter's undersized shirt, Michael's this, Mum's that. Heather looking very smart and Jake looking positively sharp in his suit and then the moment that we have all been waiting for when the funeral cars arrive. Minor panic sets in and eyes begin to well up expectantly. I manage to stay surprisingly calm which I like to think is part of my brilliant idea of buying some cheap non-prescription sunglasses, so I can't actually see the expressions on anyone's face! Mum sits up front, then Michael in the 2nd row and Karen and myself in the third. The car is baking hot and no aircon but there is still that weird feeling when being in a limo in any situation of wanting people that you know to see you cruise past just so they can watch in awe, just so you can wave and say look at me, I'm dressed to the nines and cruising in a limo - resist the urge to regally wave at passers by except at the guy on a moped who stopped to let us onto the main road at the roundabout much to the annoyance of the cars behind him and then instantly regretted it I guess as we proceeded along the main road at about about 10mph!! Usual confused mingling occurs on arrival and many a soggy situation saved by beardist remarks - ZZ Top? Showing your age Karl :) Seasick Steve, Hairy Biker, even Ming or Merlin but it is a useful diversion.
We head off in, Maurice pushing Mum's wheelchair and the rest of us fall into line behind to the dulcet tones of Rod Stewart's "We Are Sailing". Have a sudden moment of panic as I realise I have no idea where the kids are or even Angie - Should have been corralling them and making sure they are okay but they are in a row or two behind me :( Can't see Mum past Karen and Michael :( With a packed chapel with many standing at the back and sides the service begins, Karen sniffles and I scrounge a tissue for my good friend, Justin Case but not being able to see anything helps the conversation remain slightly detached from reality. Survive most of it and even manage a bit or warbling when I can focus on the words but then the Very Rev Paul reads out the diatribe I had prepared verbatim (well apart from the three words that he misread!) and I struggle to remain strong. A welling up and just a single tear to be wiped to add to the drama. The Very Rev Paul reads a poem called "The Unknown Shore"? - very nice, wish I had read that before.
Sometime at Eve when the tide is low
I shall slip my moorings and sail away
With no response to a friendly hail
In the silent hush of the twilight pale
When the night stoops down to embrace the day
And the voices call in the water's flow
Sometime at Eve When the water is low
I shall slip my moorings and sail away.
Through purple shadows
That darkly trail o'er the ebbing tide
And the Unknown Sea,
And a ripple of waters' to tell the tale
Of a lonely voyager sailing away
To mystic isles
Where at anchor lay
The craft of those who had sailed before
O'er the Unknown Sea
To the Unknown Shore
A few who watched me sail away
Will miss my craft from the busy bay
Some friendly barques were anchored near
Some loving souls my heart held dear
In silent sorrow will drop a tear
But I shall have peacefully furled my sail
In mooring sheltered from the storm and gale
And greeted friends who had sailed before
O'er the Unknown Sea
To the Unknown ShoreNice.
Service concludes, curtains are drawn and we all file out to meet 'n' greet. Mum is parked next to the flowers and muted hubbub begins. Lots of shaking of heads and hands, relative identification and faces from the past and then off to the Sailing Club. Reasonable spread but why oh why do people insist on putting sweetcorn in with tuna ?!!? Atmosphere is fairly jolly and it's good to speak to people that I haven't seen for a long time. Again, still surprised about my calmness, flippancy is king although I took a walk around the boatyard and nearly lost it while staring out through the gates at the slipway and dolphin - no one to joke with here and the splashes from a thousand happy memories spatter in my mind as the waves threaten to breach the defences in my head and heart. Back to take more photos of family groups and after a while everyone disperses and we remember it is just a normal Wednesday after all to the rest of the world. Once back I try and upload the pics and my old laptop decides to disconnect the drive mid-way through indexing and hopes of posting them early are dashed. Decide late on to abandon and go to the Seagull for tea with Mum, K&M and Nat - Jake is off to footie training as it is the last for a couple of weeks. Chris, Lou and the kids arrive and bring with them a whirlwind of volume and mayhem, much to the amusement of some and dismay of others !! Jake arrives just in time for us to leave and we wander off home to resume battling with a crippled computer.
An odd day once again. Dreaded by all of us and yet far less of an ordeal then any of us thought I believe. Meant to be a celebration of Dad's life and yet I think that I have probably thought less about him today than any other day and certainly have not mourned him as much today but I guess that is the sense of the occasion, the welcome distractions and this is after all meant to be about saying goodbye and moving on with your life.
Mum was fantastic throughout as were Heather and Jake and now just the ceremony on Friday to get through.
Or F-Day or C-Day, take your pick but today is the day of Dad's funeral :( A day for celebrating Dad's life and not mourning his passing as everyone says - Funny how celebrating his life is more painful than considering his death. Is that a part of what makes us human? The innate ability and desperate need for masochistic grieving over the passing of a family member? Actually probably not as various other animals pair-bond for life and grieve but it is still a distinctly odd trait to have when all things are considered. I suppose it is like I say at work; the building of a communal knowledge pool, raising awareness and allowing the experiences of the past to refine your experience of the future. Learning lessons and sharing experiences so that memories and habits live on through future generations. Hmm... not a time to wax lyrical or get my team-spirit soapbox out.
Need to concentrate on something inert today and try to block out the rest or I will be a soggy heap on the floor somewhere along the line. I keep saying that I'll get an ipod with subtle, black earphones so that I can just sit and nod and smile at people, all the while listening to something disrespectful in my head - wish I'd gone through with that idea :)
So been sat here at my desk since 05:00 this morning and haven't even packed camera yet - yes I am taking it and no, it is not disrespectful, although the look an Angie's face when she thought I was taking my camera bag into the chapel(?) was priceless !! I would like to though, give me something to do and think about and I do love taking candid portraits of people who are displaying emotion on their faces, so please don't think bad of me if I do - It's all done in the best possible taste (that probably hasn't helped my cause but it is sincere). Dad loved photography as the many hundred of slides hidden away stand testament to. He gave me my first SLR when I was 10 or 11 and I thank him frequently for giving me the responsibility at such a young age and giving me such a potentially expressive hobby.
Anyway, I digress - must focus or it will be a very bad day. Not ignoring you, just unable to speak - my apologies up front. Please excuse any inappropriate comments - it's not just a bad habit, it is me, permanently flippant - sorry. I remember at my Nan's funeral only saying four words to my favourite cousin (no slur intended on any of the others !), Julie which caused her to burst into tears and run off and it wasn't even anything bad. Long time ago but I still feel bad about that - weird what stays with you ! And the eyes start leaking again - gonna be a hopeless sort of day I think, can't imagine how Mum is going to get through this, possibly admirably as she has been so far, trouble is I think we will all set each other off the second we are all together - maybe they should sit us in opposite corners ! :(
So, suit retrieved from dry cleaners, overpaid them for being so helpful, the smallest of the three ginormous shirts chosen and bare bits on shoes covered with polish and we set off crammed into Mary's baby tractor. Very warm day today :( Standing around at Mum's discussing our various wardrobe issues - my massive shirt, Peter's undersized shirt, Michael's this, Mum's that. Heather looking very smart and Jake looking positively sharp in his suit and then the moment that we have all been waiting for when the funeral cars arrive. Minor panic sets in and eyes begin to well up expectantly. I manage to stay surprisingly calm which I like to think is part of my brilliant idea of buying some cheap non-prescription sunglasses, so I can't actually see the expressions on anyone's face! Mum sits up front, then Michael in the 2nd row and Karen and myself in the third. The car is baking hot and no aircon but there is still that weird feeling when being in a limo in any situation of wanting people that you know to see you cruise past just so they can watch in awe, just so you can wave and say look at me, I'm dressed to the nines and cruising in a limo - resist the urge to regally wave at passers by except at the guy on a moped who stopped to let us onto the main road at the roundabout much to the annoyance of the cars behind him and then instantly regretted it I guess as we proceeded along the main road at about about 10mph!! Usual confused mingling occurs on arrival and many a soggy situation saved by beardist remarks - ZZ Top? Showing your age Karl :) Seasick Steve, Hairy Biker, even Ming or Merlin but it is a useful diversion.
We head off in, Maurice pushing Mum's wheelchair and the rest of us fall into line behind to the dulcet tones of Rod Stewart's "We Are Sailing". Have a sudden moment of panic as I realise I have no idea where the kids are or even Angie - Should have been corralling them and making sure they are okay but they are in a row or two behind me :( Can't see Mum past Karen and Michael :( With a packed chapel with many standing at the back and sides the service begins, Karen sniffles and I scrounge a tissue for my good friend, Justin Case but not being able to see anything helps the conversation remain slightly detached from reality. Survive most of it and even manage a bit or warbling when I can focus on the words but then the Very Rev Paul reads out the diatribe I had prepared verbatim (well apart from the three words that he misread!) and I struggle to remain strong. A welling up and just a single tear to be wiped to add to the drama. The Very Rev Paul reads a poem called "The Unknown Shore"? - very nice, wish I had read that before.
The Unknown Shore
Sometime at Eve when the tide is low
I shall slip my moorings and sail away
With no response to a friendly hail
In the silent hush of the twilight pale
When the night stoops down to embrace the day
And the voices call in the water's flow
Sometime at Eve When the water is low
I shall slip my moorings and sail away.
Through purple shadows
That darkly trail o'er the ebbing tide
And the Unknown Sea,
And a ripple of waters' to tell the tale
Of a lonely voyager sailing away
To mystic isles
Where at anchor lay
The craft of those who had sailed before
O'er the Unknown Sea
To the Unknown Shore
A few who watched me sail away
Will miss my craft from the busy bay
Some friendly barques were anchored near
Some loving souls my heart held dear
In silent sorrow will drop a tear
But I shall have peacefully furled my sail
In mooring sheltered from the storm and gale
And greeted friends who had sailed before
O'er the Unknown Sea
To the Unknown Shore
Service concludes, curtains are drawn and we all file out to meet 'n' greet. Mum is parked next to the flowers and muted hubbub begins. Lots of shaking of heads and hands, relative identification and faces from the past and then off to the Sailing Club. Reasonable spread but why oh why do people insist on putting sweetcorn in with tuna ?!!? Atmosphere is fairly jolly and it's good to speak to people that I haven't seen for a long time. Again, still surprised about my calmness, flippancy is king although I took a walk around the boatyard and nearly lost it while staring out through the gates at the slipway and dolphin - no one to joke with here and the splashes from a thousand happy memories spatter in my mind as the waves threaten to breach the defences in my head and heart. Back to take more photos of family groups and after a while everyone disperses and we remember it is just a normal Wednesday after all to the rest of the world. Once back I try and upload the pics and my old laptop decides to disconnect the drive mid-way through indexing and hopes of posting them early are dashed. Decide late on to abandon and go to the Seagull for tea with Mum, K&M and Nat - Jake is off to footie training as it is the last for a couple of weeks. Chris, Lou and the kids arrive and bring with them a whirlwind of volume and mayhem, much to the amusement of some and dismay of others !! Jake arrives just in time for us to leave and we wander off home to resume battling with a crippled computer.An odd day once again. Dreaded by all of us and yet far less of an ordeal then any of us thought I believe. Meant to be a celebration of Dad's life and yet I think that I have probably thought less about him today than any other day and certainly have not mourned him as much today but I guess that is the sense of the occasion, the welcome distractions and this is after all meant to be about saying goodbye and moving on with your life.
Mum was fantastic throughout as were Heather and Jake and now just the ceremony on Friday to get through.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Day 11
Day 11 - Final Panic
Began the day at 04:30 hrs writing some notes for the Very Rev Paul's tribute. Virgin have kindly killed off my TV and broadband so not sure how I am going to get it to him if it doesn't come back soon - may have to go wandering around with the laptop until I can find a wireless network to play with :(
Very painful process and so much to say and so few words to express with. I keep thinking of extra things I should have included but this is what I have so far for him;
Began the day at 04:30 hrs writing some notes for the Very Rev Paul's tribute. Virgin have kindly killed off my TV and broadband so not sure how I am going to get it to him if it doesn't come back soon - may have to go wandering around with the laptop until I can find a wireless network to play with :(
Very painful process and so much to say and so few words to express with. I keep thinking of extra things I should have included but this is what I have so far for him;
"Dad
Where do you start when asked to describe someone that you have known your entire life?
There may be things that I see in him, good, bad and possibly even ugly that others may never have seen and equally there are a host of things that I may not know and may never know. A million different memories, each one now jagged and painful to recount; long hours working with fibreglass and wood salvaged from the shoreline to build his beloved fishing boats or taking a simple blank fibreglass pole and carefully crafting a perfectly balanced fishing rod. The early starts and late finishes, digging for ragworm at Tipnor, collecting cockles and spent munitions, long days out fishing with the promise of a landing at Pewit island to cook sausages on a camping stove and explore – He was never as content than when sharing his love of the sea and especially our little part of it within the harbour.
Born and bred in Portchester Dad loved to travel and experience different cultures and cuisines but would never be far from his home and family with a constant stream of letters and surprise gifts to share his enthusiasm. Seashells, beetles and even a rotting shark jaw from Masirah, Roman scent bottles and coins from Cyprus, our post was never dull. He used to send home rolls of film to be developed along with letters and cassette tapes from Yemen and caused panic when we had posted the film canisters for processing and then sat down to listen to the tape only to hear an urgent message telling us that there was a gold necklace in one of them and not to send it !
Whenever I travelled on business trips, Dad would always be on the phone first thing in the morning, keen to hear what it was like, where I was going, what the food was like – ever the world traveller and wanting to hear the same sense of adventure in your voice as he experienced.
Dad was a good man; kind, fair and compassionate, his anger usually only reserved for sheer incompetence and restaurants with poor service. He would offer sage advice and allow you to follow your own path but would always be watching and there to pick up the pieces afterwards should you fail.
Always proud, quietly composed and honest. Never flamboyant or extravagant, a simple, hard-working gentleman who lived through his family and grew with each generation and each child’s, grandchild’s and great-grandchild’s new adventures and quietly set an understated standard that I can only dream of rising to.
I know you’re watching over us all now, feeling our pain and heartache and probably getting frustrated that you can’t help – Don’t worry, the pain will lessen and you can get on with your fishing – You’ll always be there in our hearts, our minds and in everything that we are.
We still drive past places such as Haslar Hospital, the Driving centre on Portsdown Hill, or the Unicorn Gate, apprentice training centre and proudly mention to the kids; “Grandad built that” and hopefully will for a long time to come."
So much more I want to add, I want to speak about the hard graft that is bait-digging, about meeting your first 6 foot long king rag, about the trepidation you have when plunging your hand into a slightly discoloured patch of mud hoping to find a big, juicy cockle and not a angry, pincer-wielding crab, about the serenity of standing in 1ft of water on Tipnor shinglebank waiting for the tide to go out so that we could go cockling and bait-digging which is a surreal experience as all around you is the deep water of Portsmouth Harbour with no visible land within reach - the closest I’ll ever get to walking on water! The holidays! Damn (sorry Rev.) the holidays, I forgot to mention numerous happy holidays in Devon, Dawlish, Cornwall, Wales, anywhere West of Portchester as we never, ever went East, except for one brief week in a caravan in Chichester, spent fishing for tiddlers in a lake - angling is definitely better except that sweetcorn and bread are easier to catch than ragworm! We once went fishing in 'the best salmon and trout river in Wales', with coracles on the river nearby and no fish in sight. Michael caught nothing and I caught a baby plaice about twice the size of a 50p piece ! Good times though and once again proving that angling in all forms is better :)
Anyway, broadband came back, email got sent and I waited for the postie to arrive with new shirts and suit for tomorrow - got to at least be smart for him. Suit jacket is too small and shirts are all too big - major failure and one that hits hard, so retreat to the bathroom for a quick sob away from Heather who already has twigged and is calling shops in Pompey to see what they have available - bless her, she is good. !! But that was a final straw for today, feel beaten and barely able to pick my feet up - another crushing blow. With Heather pushing me, we head off to the dry-cleaners with my old suit and beg them to have it ready for 09:00hrs tomorrow, then sneak in for a haircut - I am Mimi's 3rd customer today attending Dad's funeral tomorrow. Turns out her dad is ill as well and feel bad that they have had to endure a long, hospital illness - solemn haircut. :(
Out of there and Karen has been trying to reach me as I haven't put my card into the florists yet (The-Flower-Studio), so we head off for more soul-searching summaries. I'd quite like to quote from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and have a simple card with; "So long and thanks for all the fish" on it but I am sure someone will get upset somewhere and think it disrespectful, I know Dad's humour is probably closer to Prince Phillip's than Douglas Adams but I'm sure he'd appreciate it. Seriously think about standing outside of the shop and texting what I want to Heather, so she can write it but manage to blurt out enough words for her to understand and several attempts later we have a completed card. Nothing fancy, and probably too bland for some - never mind, I know what I want to say - maybe I should have put this blog's URL on it !!
Back home to find Jake hanging around like some poor, little latch-key kid 'coz he's forgotten his keys again, with Karen waiting to deliver a card in case I hadn't made it. Once inside it is back to answering emails and chatting about my main project with Brian, who is the poor soul that is picking up some of the slack that I have generated :(
Karen returned after a while with Mum to present me with a gold ingot on a chain that has been fashioned from the 'bloody great bit of brass' that Dad bought in Masirah and wore as a ring. Never owned such an expensive or sentimental piece of jewelry before!! I bought a bracelet with the money that Mum's Dad (Pampa) had left me as a permanent reminder so this is fitting as well. Gave Mum as much of a heartfelt thankyou as I could without losing it - not really good enough tbh, I should have tried harder but it really was a lovely idea and it means a great deal to me, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, more than words could ever say (well without us both getting into a state anyway!).
Mum called just as I sat down to eat to tell me that she had read my short diatribe about Dad and cried. It must be like poking an open wound with a salt'n'vinegar chipstick - I'm sorry, I don't mean to cause you or anyone any further pain :(
Final logistics for tomorrow are decided, Heather is given a lift round to Mum's and I fall asleep at my desk - situation normal.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Day 9
Day 9 - Hectic
05:00 start to try and get some more design work done and add some notes to the Rev's info. Slow going though and I don't think I am going to have the time today to bring it all together :( Still, as long as he gets mine and Michael's as well as the rest of the text that Mum and Karen put together, it should be enough to begin with.
Guildford Spectrum seems like quite a nice venue. We eventually figure out who we are meant to see (very strange organisation at these events) and Jake has been given lane 1 in the 200m - not good as he claims he can't run bends. Still, gives it a go and comes in 2nd with a stunning time of 23.4s which isn't bad for his first attempt and a slight stumble at the end, which makes him about the 3rd or 4th quickest in Hampshire and ranked 26th in the UK for his age group ! His jump coach was very impressed and the woman who runs the U15s for Southampton AC said she wished she knew about him before and would enter him into the National Junior League next season. The guy that runs the U15 Hampshire Athletics squad was also there and asked if Jake would like to represent Hampshire at the Inter-Counties Athletics match at Abingdon on the 27th August in the triple jump and almost certainly the relay. He said they can only enter one event (plus the relay), otherwise he would have him in the 100m and 200m as well !!
Funnily enough, Jake needed help to get his head out of his borrowed running vest at the end :)
Wait for results to be posted for the 100m (11.5s - 1st place in his heat) and then rush back home in time to see Heather and December Farewell's last gig :( Paid my money and wandered in whipped my camera out with new flashgun and had a play with some long range shots - not brilliant but did want to go much further in as I was already looking well out of place!! I thought it went fairly well with just the odd mishap but Heather tells me that this wouldn't work, that was wrong, she forgot some words, so-and-so was late on some cues, somebody else did this, all in all a complete disaster by the sound of it. I think she is a little bit stressed at the moment !!
Back home the stresses continue and the usual Sunday evening develops. I flit between avoiding arguments and try to cook dinner and progress some design work until I eventually fall asleep at my desk. Wake up at 01:30, watch some tv and then back to finish the design off at 03:00. Finally complete by 07:30 and emailed off. Chances of a concall to discuss with the Customer are looking slender for this week :(
05:00 start to try and get some more design work done and add some notes to the Rev's info. Slow going though and I don't think I am going to have the time today to bring it all together :( Still, as long as he gets mine and Michael's as well as the rest of the text that Mum and Karen put together, it should be enough to begin with.
Guildford Spectrum seems like quite a nice venue. We eventually figure out who we are meant to see (very strange organisation at these events) and Jake has been given lane 1 in the 200m - not good as he claims he can't run bends. Still, gives it a go and comes in 2nd with a stunning time of 23.4s which isn't bad for his first attempt and a slight stumble at the end, which makes him about the 3rd or 4th quickest in Hampshire and ranked 26th in the UK for his age group ! His jump coach was very impressed and the woman who runs the U15s for Southampton AC said she wished she knew about him before and would enter him into the National Junior League next season. The guy that runs the U15 Hampshire Athletics squad was also there and asked if Jake would like to represent Hampshire at the Inter-Counties Athletics match at Abingdon on the 27th August in the triple jump and almost certainly the relay. He said they can only enter one event (plus the relay), otherwise he would have him in the 100m and 200m as well !!
Funnily enough, Jake needed help to get his head out of his borrowed running vest at the end :)
Wait for results to be posted for the 100m (11.5s - 1st place in his heat) and then rush back home in time to see Heather and December Farewell's last gig :( Paid my money and wandered in whipped my camera out with new flashgun and had a play with some long range shots - not brilliant but did want to go much further in as I was already looking well out of place!! I thought it went fairly well with just the odd mishap but Heather tells me that this wouldn't work, that was wrong, she forgot some words, so-and-so was late on some cues, somebody else did this, all in all a complete disaster by the sound of it. I think she is a little bit stressed at the moment !!
Back home the stresses continue and the usual Sunday evening develops. I flit between avoiding arguments and try to cook dinner and progress some design work until I eventually fall asleep at my desk. Wake up at 01:30, watch some tv and then back to finish the design off at 03:00. Finally complete by 07:30 and emailed off. Chances of a concall to discuss with the Customer are looking slender for this week :(
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Day 8
Day 8 -
An early start to get Heather out of the door and onto work. Still think she is half-expecting to get fired today though - I hope she doesn't react badly if that's the end of her time there :( Hopefully the time will be well spent though and she can enjoy some normality for a change and speak to the effervescent Sophie who can never be anything less than bubbly !! :) Make a change from being exclusively around troubled souls.
So, a quick bacon buttie with rashers that are 5 days past its sell-by date - smells okay, looks okay, doesn't turn that nasty looking grey colour that pork can do when cooking and tastes good and then off to take Jake to sprint training with Havant AC down at the Mountbatten Centre.
So for the second week in a row, we turn up and find that some other event is taking place - cycling this morning ! Watch for a bit, ask around but no-one seems to know anything, then Jake finally remembers he has Devon's number and could text her. We wander along the shoreline to the field at the back and there they are - just finished for the day !! Sprint coach Malcolm doesn't look too pleased when he hears that Jake has signed for Southampton AC and not Havant but seems okay with Jake joining in their sessions when he can train with their sprinter Leslie.
Took some rubbish pics of tyres in mud, seaweed and sights - some miight be okay for HDR'ing and hopefully some might give Heather an idea for contrasting textures etc. for her assignment.
Time to head out and forage for food and maybe a couple of decent, black ties. Ties purchased plus several pairs of shoes for Angie and Jake - Just Heather and me left to sort out.
Bumped into Andy Brice in Fareham for the first time in many years, seems his Father has his own troubles and is quite ill - feel for his Mum :(
Back to munch food, vainly search for shirts and shoes online, try to add a few more words to the text - very glad that Karen has sat down with Mum to compose something, at least we have the outline and the facts straight, now to augment with anecdotes etc.
Heather back off round for some sleep before her performance with December Farewell at the Commy - busy day tomorrow with Jake and me off to Guildford for the Wessex League competition.
An early start to get Heather out of the door and onto work. Still think she is half-expecting to get fired today though - I hope she doesn't react badly if that's the end of her time there :( Hopefully the time will be well spent though and she can enjoy some normality for a change and speak to the effervescent Sophie who can never be anything less than bubbly !! :) Make a change from being exclusively around troubled souls.
So, a quick bacon buttie with rashers that are 5 days past its sell-by date - smells okay, looks okay, doesn't turn that nasty looking grey colour that pork can do when cooking and tastes good and then off to take Jake to sprint training with Havant AC down at the Mountbatten Centre.
So for the second week in a row, we turn up and find that some other event is taking place - cycling this morning ! Watch for a bit, ask around but no-one seems to know anything, then Jake finally remembers he has Devon's number and could text her. We wander along the shoreline to the field at the back and there they are - just finished for the day !! Sprint coach Malcolm doesn't look too pleased when he hears that Jake has signed for Southampton AC and not Havant but seems okay with Jake joining in their sessions when he can train with their sprinter Leslie.
Took some rubbish pics of tyres in mud, seaweed and sights - some miight be okay for HDR'ing and hopefully some might give Heather an idea for contrasting textures etc. for her assignment.
Time to head out and forage for food and maybe a couple of decent, black ties. Ties purchased plus several pairs of shoes for Angie and Jake - Just Heather and me left to sort out.
Bumped into Andy Brice in Fareham for the first time in many years, seems his Father has his own troubles and is quite ill - feel for his Mum :(
Back to munch food, vainly search for shirts and shoes online, try to add a few more words to the text - very glad that Karen has sat down with Mum to compose something, at least we have the outline and the facts straight, now to augment with anecdotes etc.
Heather back off round for some sleep before her performance with December Farewell at the Commy - busy day tomorrow with Jake and me off to Guildford for the Wessex League competition.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Day 7 - One week on :(
Day 7 - Trudging onwards
Back to the spreadsheets, blogs and deepening depression ! Need to put down memories and anecdotes for the Very Rev Paul - hadn't forgotten but still dreading it, especially as I volunteered to collate them all and possibly formulate them into a delivery for the service :( Mum suggests an unprovoked comment from Hayden to finish it with; "Nanny B I spoke to God Last night and I asked God to look after Grandad B because he needs a friend and we all loved him." - Nuff said.
Rapidly losing any hope of getting a decent new suit for the event, must buy some shades as well - add that to the list :) Jake's should be being delivered today which he is looking forward to I think, just so long as he remember to get his haircut and passport pics taken after school or he won't be joining AFC Portchester for their final(?) year.
Right, breakfast missed, inhalers forgotten and work screaming silently at me - time to get a grip for a few moments before the next interruption, which happens almost instantly as I go to the bathroom and there is a hammering on the front door. Rush downstairs to find not a police swat team but the petite, hyperactive Avon lady who does everything at twice the speed of a normal human, with Jake's suits. I am under strict instructions not to even open the box before he comes home. Interestingly enough, this is a trait that I am sure he has picked up from me and I believe that I developed an addiction to waiting for the postman from when Dad worked away and always sent weird and wonderful things through the post for us. :)
Got a few hours work in, with frequent mental diversions, although realised after a while that I had been inadvertently calculating the replication overheads in with the filesystem sizes - D'Oh! My brain is definitely not heading in a straight line yet :(
Changed tack to update some notes for the Very Rev Paul but that is just as fruitless - looks like neither are going to be completed today :(
Jake arrives home with no haircut and no photos. Tried his suit on and suddenly is transformed into a good-looking young man (except for the hair that is!) - feel quite proud :) Then it turns into a fashion show as he tries the jacket-slung-casually-over-the-shoulder look and various other catalogue poses - should have signed him up with a modelling agency !!
Heather finally gets a letter from Southdowns with her summer photography assignment - doesn't look enthused :( I did try and get her to do some street-scene assignments when she was looking bored, so maybe we could combine the two. Part of me wishes I had a similar photo-project I could commit to but where is the time?
Joined in the weekly concall that I host at work, much to the surprise of the attendees - Some awkward silences but not too bad, then received a call from PCS to tell me that 'there was an incident today at school' and that all other parties had now made statements and Jake had not turned up despite 2 requests and was currently, by implication, the guilty party - Could I have a word? Do not want to refuse him his AFC Portchester membership as that would hurt the team and they desperately need players to even register tomorrow and cancelling his entries in the Guildford race meeting on Sunday is too extreme and others have put themselves out at my request to get him in the early 200m race so that we can get back for Heather's gig at the Commy. The incident itself was in science and involved putting ice down the back of some girls top. Nothing malicious apparently, just a horseplay (is that word still in use?) between friends but the situation itself could have been dangerous with strong alkalies being used earlier. I don't know. Jake's reaction is textbook stroppy, denying all knowledge, refuting all statements and generally shouting out his innocence - Will have to hassle him over the weekend and make him realise that he needs to go and see the teacher first thing on Monday and apologise and make his statement, the same as the others. If he doesn't it will just go higher and the consequences and penalties will be more severe. Still he brought home a nice certificate to celebrate his breaking of the school triple jump record which has stood since 1987 ! Lackaday (continuing with my theme of Old English words !)
So Friday night = curry night and now also equals the night Dad went :( Soldier on through a Chicken Bhuna, Mixed Kebab starter and Keema rice though :) Forgot to mention to Tony about haircuts !
A minor kerfuffle (had to get that word in, if nothing else to see how the spellchecker copes with it!) when Heather says she has stuff to get from Nan's for the night, so previous plan of Jake cycling around to spend the night there is scuppered (another good word) and we go into all out family crisis mode as usual with offers of lifts arriving from all directions and all because I thought the day was ended and had a drink 3 hrs ago. Really do not see the point of disturbing people to come round and collect Jake and return with Heather and a small portion of her gear when I can just as easily call a cab and not bother anyone else. Hell, it was long enough ago that I should be ok myself but I would rather not risk it and I would pay for a taxi. Gave up arguing, Karen came out especially and I was once again the incompetent, irresponsible fool. SNAFU :(
Back to the spreadsheets, blogs and deepening depression ! Need to put down memories and anecdotes for the Very Rev Paul - hadn't forgotten but still dreading it, especially as I volunteered to collate them all and possibly formulate them into a delivery for the service :( Mum suggests an unprovoked comment from Hayden to finish it with; "Nanny B I spoke to God Last night and I asked God to look after Grandad B because he needs a friend and we all loved him." - Nuff said.
Rapidly losing any hope of getting a decent new suit for the event, must buy some shades as well - add that to the list :) Jake's should be being delivered today which he is looking forward to I think, just so long as he remember to get his haircut and passport pics taken after school or he won't be joining AFC Portchester for their final(?) year.
Right, breakfast missed, inhalers forgotten and work screaming silently at me - time to get a grip for a few moments before the next interruption, which happens almost instantly as I go to the bathroom and there is a hammering on the front door. Rush downstairs to find not a police swat team but the petite, hyperactive Avon lady who does everything at twice the speed of a normal human, with Jake's suits. I am under strict instructions not to even open the box before he comes home. Interestingly enough, this is a trait that I am sure he has picked up from me and I believe that I developed an addiction to waiting for the postman from when Dad worked away and always sent weird and wonderful things through the post for us. :)
Got a few hours work in, with frequent mental diversions, although realised after a while that I had been inadvertently calculating the replication overheads in with the filesystem sizes - D'Oh! My brain is definitely not heading in a straight line yet :(
Changed tack to update some notes for the Very Rev Paul but that is just as fruitless - looks like neither are going to be completed today :(
Jake arrives home with no haircut and no photos. Tried his suit on and suddenly is transformed into a good-looking young man (except for the hair that is!) - feel quite proud :) Then it turns into a fashion show as he tries the jacket-slung-casually-over-the-shoulder look and various other catalogue poses - should have signed him up with a modelling agency !!
Heather finally gets a letter from Southdowns with her summer photography assignment - doesn't look enthused :( I did try and get her to do some street-scene assignments when she was looking bored, so maybe we could combine the two. Part of me wishes I had a similar photo-project I could commit to but where is the time?
Joined in the weekly concall that I host at work, much to the surprise of the attendees - Some awkward silences but not too bad, then received a call from PCS to tell me that 'there was an incident today at school' and that all other parties had now made statements and Jake had not turned up despite 2 requests and was currently, by implication, the guilty party - Could I have a word? Do not want to refuse him his AFC Portchester membership as that would hurt the team and they desperately need players to even register tomorrow and cancelling his entries in the Guildford race meeting on Sunday is too extreme and others have put themselves out at my request to get him in the early 200m race so that we can get back for Heather's gig at the Commy. The incident itself was in science and involved putting ice down the back of some girls top. Nothing malicious apparently, just a horseplay (is that word still in use?) between friends but the situation itself could have been dangerous with strong alkalies being used earlier. I don't know. Jake's reaction is textbook stroppy, denying all knowledge, refuting all statements and generally shouting out his innocence - Will have to hassle him over the weekend and make him realise that he needs to go and see the teacher first thing on Monday and apologise and make his statement, the same as the others. If he doesn't it will just go higher and the consequences and penalties will be more severe. Still he brought home a nice certificate to celebrate his breaking of the school triple jump record which has stood since 1987 ! Lackaday (continuing with my theme of Old English words !)
So Friday night = curry night and now also equals the night Dad went :( Soldier on through a Chicken Bhuna, Mixed Kebab starter and Keema rice though :) Forgot to mention to Tony about haircuts !
A minor kerfuffle (had to get that word in, if nothing else to see how the spellchecker copes with it!) when Heather says she has stuff to get from Nan's for the night, so previous plan of Jake cycling around to spend the night there is scuppered (another good word) and we go into all out family crisis mode as usual with offers of lifts arriving from all directions and all because I thought the day was ended and had a drink 3 hrs ago. Really do not see the point of disturbing people to come round and collect Jake and return with Heather and a small portion of her gear when I can just as easily call a cab and not bother anyone else. Hell, it was long enough ago that I should be ok myself but I would rather not risk it and I would pay for a taxi. Gave up arguing, Karen came out especially and I was once again the incompetent, irresponsible fool. SNAFU :(
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Day 6
Day 6 - Panic !!
A later than usual start today because of Jake's late return last night. Still, he's looking chuffed with it this morning :)
Been trying to put some wise words down for announcements, cards, tributes and eulogies etc. but it is very hard work, not helped by the compulsory gut-wrenching that accompanies every happy memory that I try to write down. Then as soon as you think you have something suitable for the newspaper, you have to think of another to go with the flowers etc. Chances of performing some work today are looking slim - let's worry about that for 10 mins and open up a spreadsheet, try to figure out where I was in the process, get distracted by an email or phone call, then remember I haven't even had inhalers this morning and I'm 3 hrs late !
Where's that time machine when you need it?
I have to compose and get today's announcement of the arrangements approved by all and in before 14:30hrs. Michael also wants me to write a line for Mum which is proving even more painful - never mind my own memories, I have to try and imagine hers and her sense of loss and experience the pain for both of us - Being an empath sucks !! :((
Drove Heather to see Harry P film with Alex. Finally she gets to do something for herself !! Then back for a panicked session for Mum's announcement. Finally put something down and post to Google+ for K&M to review - neither online and M not answering his phone. Call Karen and she tells me that they've just put Mum's in with all the service details - I couldn't have been more shocked and crushed if you dropped a ton of wet sand on my head $-o
Still, what's done is done, nothing can change that, just lessons learned etc. Seems a pity though that all of that painful sobbing, wailing and soul-searching just resulted in yet more painful sobbing, wailing and soul-searching :( So to get over that I suddenly realise that I haven't put in an announcement myself, other than Wednesday's so time for a little more painful sobbing, wailing and soul-searching - Where does it end ?!? :) Give up being creative and cut 'n' paste a bit of Day 0's entry - it's nice enough and I can't read it without cracking so hopefully it works.
Get a phone call from the News; "Hello, it's Sophie from the Portsmouth News", "Hello Sophie from the Portsmouth News", I said - got a giggle which cut through the mood like a spark in the black of night (Hmmm... inadvertently waxing lyrical mid sentance, not good), anyway, order placed and Sophie remarks that at least it's cheaper than last time. Can't mention money as _someone_ will try and pay me for it no doubt ! When I say can _I_ buy you all a KFC, I don't expect to be reimbursed - that money will be coming back to you Mother !! :)
So, pick Heather and Alex up from the flicks and back home to try and start some work. Jake's back home and can't get to jump training tonight, so get changed again and off out again. Angie is out at a school production of Oliver, Heather's at band practice and we won't be back until after 8 so no cooking food again :(
Jake has now joined Southampton Athletic Club and looks to be racing on Sunday in Guildford in the 100 and 400m ! Should be interesting as he's never run a properly competitive 400 before. Need to check the times though as I can't miss Heather's performance on Sunday at the Community Centre . Jake is also entered in the Southern Championships as well in Ashford, Kent over the weekend of Aug 6/7 - no idea of arrangements for that but this athletics thing is fast becoming expensive, even a Scum club vest costs £17 !! The coach was stunned by his 11.50 at Lee Valley by all accounts but I have to say he seems to have been bitten by the bug and is actually enjoying competing for once. In football and other team sports it really was the winning that counted for him but in sprinting he is competing against his own PB and realises that he can put in a great performance and still not win and feel good about it. Well pleased :)
Continued to try and get my design work progressed, which unfortunately means fiddling around with spreadsheets to gauge filesystem sizes and replication overheads etc. but brain is way too screwed up from today so give up and hope tomorrow is easier.
A later than usual start today because of Jake's late return last night. Still, he's looking chuffed with it this morning :)
Been trying to put some wise words down for announcements, cards, tributes and eulogies etc. but it is very hard work, not helped by the compulsory gut-wrenching that accompanies every happy memory that I try to write down. Then as soon as you think you have something suitable for the newspaper, you have to think of another to go with the flowers etc. Chances of performing some work today are looking slim - let's worry about that for 10 mins and open up a spreadsheet, try to figure out where I was in the process, get distracted by an email or phone call, then remember I haven't even had inhalers this morning and I'm 3 hrs late !
Where's that time machine when you need it?
I have to compose and get today's announcement of the arrangements approved by all and in before 14:30hrs. Michael also wants me to write a line for Mum which is proving even more painful - never mind my own memories, I have to try and imagine hers and her sense of loss and experience the pain for both of us - Being an empath sucks !! :((
Still, what's done is done, nothing can change that, just lessons learned etc. Seems a pity though that all of that painful sobbing, wailing and soul-searching just resulted in yet more painful sobbing, wailing and soul-searching :( So to get over that I suddenly realise that I haven't put in an announcement myself, other than Wednesday's so time for a little more painful sobbing, wailing and soul-searching - Where does it end ?!? :) Give up being creative and cut 'n' paste a bit of Day 0's entry - it's nice enough and I can't read it without cracking so hopefully it works.
Get a phone call from the News; "Hello, it's Sophie from the Portsmouth News", "Hello Sophie from the Portsmouth News", I said - got a giggle which cut through the mood like a spark in the black of night (Hmmm... inadvertently waxing lyrical mid sentance, not good), anyway, order placed and Sophie remarks that at least it's cheaper than last time. Can't mention money as _someone_ will try and pay me for it no doubt ! When I say can _I_ buy you all a KFC, I don't expect to be reimbursed - that money will be coming back to you Mother !! :)So, pick Heather and Alex up from the flicks and back home to try and start some work. Jake's back home and can't get to jump training tonight, so get changed again and off out again. Angie is out at a school production of Oliver, Heather's at band practice and we won't be back until after 8 so no cooking food again :(
Jake has now joined Southampton Athletic Club and looks to be racing on Sunday in Guildford in the 100 and 400m ! Should be interesting as he's never run a properly competitive 400 before. Need to check the times though as I can't miss Heather's performance on Sunday at the Community Centre . Jake is also entered in the Southern Championships as well in Ashford, Kent over the weekend of Aug 6/7 - no idea of arrangements for that but this athletics thing is fast becoming expensive, even a Scum club vest costs £17 !! The coach was stunned by his 11.50 at Lee Valley by all accounts but I have to say he seems to have been bitten by the bug and is actually enjoying competing for once. In football and other team sports it really was the winning that counted for him but in sprinting he is competing against his own PB and realises that he can put in a great performance and still not win and feel good about it. Well pleased :)
Continued to try and get my design work progressed, which unfortunately means fiddling around with spreadsheets to gauge filesystem sizes and replication overheads etc. but brain is way too screwed up from today so give up and hope tomorrow is easier.
Day 5
Day 5 - Re-awakening
Usual early start to the day, re-issued the draft agenda for the meeting I was supposed to be hosting in Brentford today, blogged, wept, wandered through fb and G+ for a while and began to try and figure out where I am with the draft design that I need to complete by COB Friday. Hope the guys will be alright without me being there, not because of my wonderful presentation skills(!!) or anything like that but I am pleasantly surprised that my passion for team-spirit, technical socialisation of experience and knowledge and professional communities is strong enough to jump start me a little. Give Brian a call to check he's okay with it all - sure and steady, of course he is.
After much confusion we all three (Karen, Michael and myself) head off to the reg office in Portsmouth to register the death and obtain the certificates - ten of them at £3.50 each and guess which mug was the only one of us to have any cash on him !! Never mind, whatever makes things easier, Jake's football and Athletics clubs can wait a few more days.
Straight from there to the funeral directors to make 'arrangements'. A fairly painless process at the end of the day, a couple of minor skirmishes en route over cars, coffins and ashes but nothing too drastic so far. The biggest problem seems to be the final resting place. Some want Crem, so there is a place to go on special days but the ashes are scattered I think there or buried in open ground and no memorial plaques are allowed, whereas others want a scattering of some sort at the Castle or Sailing Club and get permission for a plaque or sponsor a bench or something. Can't do both as splitting is not good. Mum worries me though as she is trying to keep out of this part of it all as much as possible and I can't blame her at all for that but I don't think she has ever questioned that they might be apart when her time comes and scattering could be disastrous :( Still we get a few months to think about this, personally I like the idea of the Castle somewhere, maybe not scattered if we can find a slot in St. Mary's and definitely have a permanent fixture or plaque down there - we can have an annual family day out with a pot of varnish each :)
Back home, grab some munchies and disappoint Heather once again about going to see Harry Potter but we've got to meet the Very Rev Paul at 4:15 :( He seems okay, enthusiastic, loves to sing, drives one of those little, pretend 4x4 Rovers with the black plastic bodywork to make it look butch and I suspect thrives on being an atypical minister :) A bit of a juxtapose really, a happy man in a sad job.
We all have to work together to put our collective thoughts down and email them through - that's going to be a messy process and might be the death of my draft design that I have said wil be ready by the end of the week :(
Back home to a hungry, hungry Heather who picked up on an earlier comment of mine and refuses pasta and wants to go to the Seagull instead but I'm not in the mood because of a late lunch etc. and I need to have something for Angie and Jake when they get back later tonight - Heather suggests a doggie bag for them :) Adequate comprise reached in the form of a Ruby's instead with enough to reheat later for the stragglers, as ever delivered by the ever-smiling little guy from the Car Cabin.
Heather vanishes while I'm talking on the phone to Karen who is beginning to panic as she thinks her keeping it simple plan is about to be compromised - it's not really, the complications are just bumps and she has to realise that people will want to commemorate the day in their own way. If someone wants to send a life-sized boat made of flowers or a fresh fish tribute made of cockles, winkles and seaweed, then let them, each to their own and Dad meant different things to all of us. People realise how we feel and the simple message has gone out, nothing more needs to be said and no-one will think anything less of anyone for not doing more. I keep thinking it might be nice to create a 'Bob Turp- RIP' fb page. No don't throw your arms up and roll your eyes like that - Dad was never really 'online' except for his Kindle and I know most of his friends probably aren't either but it still might be a nice way of collecting comments, anecdotes, photos etc. - we'll see.
Need to place another announcement from Mum apparently tomorrow to publish the details of the funeral etc. More deep and meaningful one-liners to compose :(
Jake eventually gets back from his sprints evening at Lee Valley (Enfield area!) and posted a time of 11.49 for the 100m which got rounded up to 11.50 - Still brilliant and will put him in 22nd place in the whole of the UK and 2nd in Hampshire. Said his 2nd round race was scary as they put him in lane 4(!) in the under 20s where he came 2nd but lining up on the startline were 7 Linford Christie look alikes, all pumped up and focused with this scrawny, little white kid in the middle !! So hopefully that will count against the school record as well - very proud and he has definitely caught the bug for sprinting.
Usual early start to the day, re-issued the draft agenda for the meeting I was supposed to be hosting in Brentford today, blogged, wept, wandered through fb and G+ for a while and began to try and figure out where I am with the draft design that I need to complete by COB Friday. Hope the guys will be alright without me being there, not because of my wonderful presentation skills(!!) or anything like that but I am pleasantly surprised that my passion for team-spirit, technical socialisation of experience and knowledge and professional communities is strong enough to jump start me a little. Give Brian a call to check he's okay with it all - sure and steady, of course he is.
After much confusion we all three (Karen, Michael and myself) head off to the reg office in Portsmouth to register the death and obtain the certificates - ten of them at £3.50 each and guess which mug was the only one of us to have any cash on him !! Never mind, whatever makes things easier, Jake's football and Athletics clubs can wait a few more days.
Straight from there to the funeral directors to make 'arrangements'. A fairly painless process at the end of the day, a couple of minor skirmishes en route over cars, coffins and ashes but nothing too drastic so far. The biggest problem seems to be the final resting place. Some want Crem, so there is a place to go on special days but the ashes are scattered I think there or buried in open ground and no memorial plaques are allowed, whereas others want a scattering of some sort at the Castle or Sailing Club and get permission for a plaque or sponsor a bench or something. Can't do both as splitting is not good. Mum worries me though as she is trying to keep out of this part of it all as much as possible and I can't blame her at all for that but I don't think she has ever questioned that they might be apart when her time comes and scattering could be disastrous :( Still we get a few months to think about this, personally I like the idea of the Castle somewhere, maybe not scattered if we can find a slot in St. Mary's and definitely have a permanent fixture or plaque down there - we can have an annual family day out with a pot of varnish each :)
Back home, grab some munchies and disappoint Heather once again about going to see Harry Potter but we've got to meet the Very Rev Paul at 4:15 :( He seems okay, enthusiastic, loves to sing, drives one of those little, pretend 4x4 Rovers with the black plastic bodywork to make it look butch and I suspect thrives on being an atypical minister :) A bit of a juxtapose really, a happy man in a sad job.
We all have to work together to put our collective thoughts down and email them through - that's going to be a messy process and might be the death of my draft design that I have said wil be ready by the end of the week :(
Back home to a hungry, hungry Heather who picked up on an earlier comment of mine and refuses pasta and wants to go to the Seagull instead but I'm not in the mood because of a late lunch etc. and I need to have something for Angie and Jake when they get back later tonight - Heather suggests a doggie bag for them :) Adequate comprise reached in the form of a Ruby's instead with enough to reheat later for the stragglers, as ever delivered by the ever-smiling little guy from the Car Cabin.
Heather vanishes while I'm talking on the phone to Karen who is beginning to panic as she thinks her keeping it simple plan is about to be compromised - it's not really, the complications are just bumps and she has to realise that people will want to commemorate the day in their own way. If someone wants to send a life-sized boat made of flowers or a fresh fish tribute made of cockles, winkles and seaweed, then let them, each to their own and Dad meant different things to all of us. People realise how we feel and the simple message has gone out, nothing more needs to be said and no-one will think anything less of anyone for not doing more. I keep thinking it might be nice to create a 'Bob Turp- RIP' fb page. No don't throw your arms up and roll your eyes like that - Dad was never really 'online' except for his Kindle and I know most of his friends probably aren't either but it still might be a nice way of collecting comments, anecdotes, photos etc. - we'll see.
Need to place another announcement from Mum apparently tomorrow to publish the details of the funeral etc. More deep and meaningful one-liners to compose :(
Jake eventually gets back from his sprints evening at Lee Valley (Enfield area!) and posted a time of 11.49 for the 100m which got rounded up to 11.50 - Still brilliant and will put him in 22nd place in the whole of the UK and 2nd in Hampshire. Said his 2nd round race was scary as they put him in lane 4(!) in the under 20s where he came 2nd but lining up on the startline were 7 Linford Christie look alikes, all pumped up and focused with this scrawny, little white kid in the middle !! So hopefully that will count against the school record as well - very proud and he has definitely caught the bug for sprinting.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Day 4
Day 4 - Waiting
Today will be a quiet one. My colleagues are all in a group meeting to meet the new Boss Man and to hear his plans for our future, so life will be very quiet - Still feel guilty for not being there and sharing their suffering and even worse for not sharing a beer, conversation and a good meal with them :( I've never dropped the ball and left so many people in the lurch before and it really grates, especially when there isn't a tangible reason for it - Is lack of concentration a medical condition?
So spent my time off sat in front of the pc as usual from 04:30, researching coffins again, looking for a suit for Jake and maybe for me, writing blogs, timesheets, fielding calls etc. Mum and Karen off on an unenviable journey around old friends to inform them of the news this morning so Heather appeared early, hoping to lure me off to see Harry Potter! Shoul have gone really but lack of concentration, apathy and general lassitude conspired to make it a non event, maybe tomorrow.
Spoke to siblings about 'arrangements' but until we have the green card from the hospital, nothing can be confirmed, so went ahead and placed an announcement in the News without funeral details, just to get it in there. Turns out that the quoted number of words for an announcement is merely an indication of the box size, so it actually cost nearly twice what I was expecting but hey-ho, it needed to be done. Hope everyone is okay with the simple announcement rather than a long, rambling one but we can put another in with service details and farewell messages later on.
Jake back from school, so we head off to Fareham to look at suits and fittings in Burtons. Find a nice jacket in the sale but no matching trousers but at least we now know his size - back to the Web for browsing ! Wander into M&S as a last resort for some alternatives and Jake tries on a good looking suit, reasonably tailored and we damn near walk out with it there and then but luckily enough Mr. "I don't like making impromptu decisions" (especially concerning cash), woke up from his daze long enough and stepped in.
Rush back as Heather's group is playing at the Edge of the Wedge tonight as one of their farewell gigs - really wish I could have gone to see :(
No jump training for Jake tonight as he is travelling up to Enfield tomorrow to take part in the Lee Valley Sprints evening and he doesn't want to stress himself too much - fast becoming too pro that kid !! He should do well though as he has been training with the Hampshire School's no.1 and is beating him by about 4m every time and I reckon he is running around 11.50s now and could probably drop some off of that as well with his recent interest and training - fingers crossed.
Green form has now been collected so planning can begin. Off to register the event tomorrow and visit funeral directors etc., one week after Dad was released from hospital, looking well. Seems like an eternity ago :( Heather wants a tattoo to mark the event. Totally sympathise, might join her !! (No, that isn't a 'yes' Heather!)
One moment of dread passed though - Mum had read this blog and I was terrified she would be upset but she said it had made her laugh and cry and didn't offend - Phew, I'm sure there's still time to offend someone though !!
Today will be a quiet one. My colleagues are all in a group meeting to meet the new Boss Man and to hear his plans for our future, so life will be very quiet - Still feel guilty for not being there and sharing their suffering and even worse for not sharing a beer, conversation and a good meal with them :( I've never dropped the ball and left so many people in the lurch before and it really grates, especially when there isn't a tangible reason for it - Is lack of concentration a medical condition?
So spent my time off sat in front of the pc as usual from 04:30, researching coffins again, looking for a suit for Jake and maybe for me, writing blogs, timesheets, fielding calls etc. Mum and Karen off on an unenviable journey around old friends to inform them of the news this morning so Heather appeared early, hoping to lure me off to see Harry Potter! Shoul have gone really but lack of concentration, apathy and general lassitude conspired to make it a non event, maybe tomorrow.
Spoke to siblings about 'arrangements' but until we have the green card from the hospital, nothing can be confirmed, so went ahead and placed an announcement in the News without funeral details, just to get it in there. Turns out that the quoted number of words for an announcement is merely an indication of the box size, so it actually cost nearly twice what I was expecting but hey-ho, it needed to be done. Hope everyone is okay with the simple announcement rather than a long, rambling one but we can put another in with service details and farewell messages later on.
Jake back from school, so we head off to Fareham to look at suits and fittings in Burtons. Find a nice jacket in the sale but no matching trousers but at least we now know his size - back to the Web for browsing ! Wander into M&S as a last resort for some alternatives and Jake tries on a good looking suit, reasonably tailored and we damn near walk out with it there and then but luckily enough Mr. "I don't like making impromptu decisions" (especially concerning cash), woke up from his daze long enough and stepped in.
Rush back as Heather's group is playing at the Edge of the Wedge tonight as one of their farewell gigs - really wish I could have gone to see :(
No jump training for Jake tonight as he is travelling up to Enfield tomorrow to take part in the Lee Valley Sprints evening and he doesn't want to stress himself too much - fast becoming too pro that kid !! He should do well though as he has been training with the Hampshire School's no.1 and is beating him by about 4m every time and I reckon he is running around 11.50s now and could probably drop some off of that as well with his recent interest and training - fingers crossed.
Green form has now been collected so planning can begin. Off to register the event tomorrow and visit funeral directors etc., one week after Dad was released from hospital, looking well. Seems like an eternity ago :( Heather wants a tattoo to mark the event. Totally sympathise, might join her !! (No, that isn't a 'yes' Heather!)
One moment of dread passed though - Mum had read this blog and I was terrified she would be upset but she said it had made her laugh and cry and didn't offend - Phew, I'm sure there's still time to offend someone though !!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Day 3
Day 3 - BAU, almost
So Day 3 started late. Monday morning and still no word from the Boss re time off, project work committed etc. so start the day as normal. Wake Jake, feed and kick him out of the door and completely forget that he has sprint training at Mountbatten and American Football (pah!) at PCS after school - no matter, Super Heather has already taken his kit round to Nan's !!
Begin to attempt timesheets and hear that Nigel (Boss man) has had a break down on the way to work this morning. Immediately half a dozen replies to the email questioning if this was physical or mental - everyone on good form this morning! Get a read receipt from Brian and a subsequent call, a good ear to sound off to as usual and as usual we ended up talking about project work, the state of the nation and how our management just don't understand us :) Still a welcome distraction. Join in the usual Monday call with the guys and field a few calls from various people, still no word from Nigel though.
After a while I realise that I should start each call with a disclaimer or proclamation as for some reason people feel terrible when halfway through the conversation they hear the news and suddenly think they are the worst person on Earth for not realising and for daring to speak to me - another odd added extra. Feeling guilty for taking time off anyway as there is nothing wrong with me except a slight tendency to get very sad every now and then and a complete inability to concentrate on anything for more than 30 secs but finally get the approval to cancel my Brentford trip for today. Feeling bad at letting 'the lads' down though as we had all planned to be in and around Kensington tonight for a beer or ten and haven't had the chance to all meet up for a couple of years now :(
Put together a basic family announcement for the Portsmouth News for Dad. Can't actually post it though as the funeral details cannot be confirmed until we get the 'green card' from the hospital. Spent some time looking at coffins online - strange world ! Some brilliant ones from http://www.coffincompany.co.uk/ , luv the Union Jack and Punk ones - not really suitable for Dad though but did find a viking longboat at the suitably named; http://www.crazycoffins.co.uk/index.html !! Really don't like the thought of a woollen one and wicor ones will creak and groan as they move and don't look as good as I had hoped.
So Day 3 started late. Monday morning and still no word from the Boss re time off, project work committed etc. so start the day as normal. Wake Jake, feed and kick him out of the door and completely forget that he has sprint training at Mountbatten and American Football (pah!) at PCS after school - no matter, Super Heather has already taken his kit round to Nan's !!
Begin to attempt timesheets and hear that Nigel (Boss man) has had a break down on the way to work this morning. Immediately half a dozen replies to the email questioning if this was physical or mental - everyone on good form this morning! Get a read receipt from Brian and a subsequent call, a good ear to sound off to as usual and as usual we ended up talking about project work, the state of the nation and how our management just don't understand us :) Still a welcome distraction. Join in the usual Monday call with the guys and field a few calls from various people, still no word from Nigel though.
After a while I realise that I should start each call with a disclaimer or proclamation as for some reason people feel terrible when halfway through the conversation they hear the news and suddenly think they are the worst person on Earth for not realising and for daring to speak to me - another odd added extra. Feeling guilty for taking time off anyway as there is nothing wrong with me except a slight tendency to get very sad every now and then and a complete inability to concentrate on anything for more than 30 secs but finally get the approval to cancel my Brentford trip for today. Feeling bad at letting 'the lads' down though as we had all planned to be in and around Kensington tonight for a beer or ten and haven't had the chance to all meet up for a couple of years now :(
Put together a basic family announcement for the Portsmouth News for Dad. Can't actually post it though as the funeral details cannot be confirmed until we get the 'green card' from the hospital. Spent some time looking at coffins online - strange world ! Some brilliant ones from http://www.coffincompany.co.uk/ , luv the Union Jack and Punk ones - not really suitable for Dad though but did find a viking longboat at the suitably named; http://www.crazycoffins.co.uk/index.html !! Really don't like the thought of a woollen one and wicor ones will creak and groan as they move and don't look as good as I had hoped.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Day 2
Day 2 - Quiet Reflection
Another odd day began early. Up at three as Angie needs to be awake at 04:15 to get ready for the O2 trip - Out the door by 05:45 !!
Tried to concentrate on getting some work done but ended up creating this blog instead - bloody useless!!
Gave me a few hours of weeping and wailing before Jake woke up though, so it may have helped. Now I am torn between posting it to tell the world how I feel and fear of upsetting someone, somewhere :( Karen has read it and corrected me on a few points but didn't say don't so we'll see how it goes but why am I telling you this? If you are reading it then the result is obvious ! :)
Jake spent the entire day sat on the sofa with the laptop watching tv, I spent most of it in my office looking at my pc or cooking food in the kitchen. Wicor did really well but lost out to first place by a miserly 1 point (they was robbed!) and guardian angel Heather flitted in, watched tv, ate and flew back to resume her night job.
A relatively Dad-free day other than my intense out-pourings in the early hours so sat around feeling guilty about that for a while. Still no response from work so worry about how I am going to cope with next week for a bit as well and as usual, achieve absolutely bugger all.
I have also noticed a strange addition to my guilty conscience which is bad enough at the best of times. Now I'm not a religious person by anyone's standards but I really do feel there is an extra element there now as if Dad is watching me - usually when I am doing something that he wouldn't approve of it has to be said so it is probably just the paranoia stepping itself up a level but strange either way.
Inadvertently got blind drunk by 6 (yes I know it sounds unlikely but it really did catch me by surprise!), fell asleep, spoke to Mum and have a strange feeling I should apologise for something. Will find out later no doubt :(
All in all a bit of a non-day today, didn't even manage to complete my timesheet :(
Another odd day began early. Up at three as Angie needs to be awake at 04:15 to get ready for the O2 trip - Out the door by 05:45 !!
Tried to concentrate on getting some work done but ended up creating this blog instead - bloody useless!!
Gave me a few hours of weeping and wailing before Jake woke up though, so it may have helped. Now I am torn between posting it to tell the world how I feel and fear of upsetting someone, somewhere :( Karen has read it and corrected me on a few points but didn't say don't so we'll see how it goes but why am I telling you this? If you are reading it then the result is obvious ! :)
Jake spent the entire day sat on the sofa with the laptop watching tv, I spent most of it in my office looking at my pc or cooking food in the kitchen. Wicor did really well but lost out to first place by a miserly 1 point (they was robbed!) and guardian angel Heather flitted in, watched tv, ate and flew back to resume her night job.
A relatively Dad-free day other than my intense out-pourings in the early hours so sat around feeling guilty about that for a while. Still no response from work so worry about how I am going to cope with next week for a bit as well and as usual, achieve absolutely bugger all.
I have also noticed a strange addition to my guilty conscience which is bad enough at the best of times. Now I'm not a religious person by anyone's standards but I really do feel there is an extra element there now as if Dad is watching me - usually when I am doing something that he wouldn't approve of it has to be said so it is probably just the paranoia stepping itself up a level but strange either way.
Inadvertently got blind drunk by 6 (yes I know it sounds unlikely but it really did catch me by surprise!), fell asleep, spoke to Mum and have a strange feeling I should apologise for something. Will find out later no doubt :(
All in all a bit of a non-day today, didn't even manage to complete my timesheet :(
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