Or F-Day or C-Day, take your pick but today is the day of Dad's funeral :( A day for celebrating Dad's life and not mourning his passing as everyone says - Funny how celebrating his life is more painful than considering his death. Is that a part of what makes us human? The innate ability and desperate need for masochistic grieving over the passing of a family member? Actually probably not as various other animals pair-bond for life and grieve but it is still a distinctly odd trait to have when all things are considered. I suppose it is like I say at work; the building of a communal knowledge pool, raising awareness and allowing the experiences of the past to refine your experience of the future. Learning lessons and sharing experiences so that memories and habits live on through future generations. Hmm... not a time to wax lyrical or get my team-spirit soapbox out.
Need to concentrate on something inert today and try to block out the rest or I will be a soggy heap on the floor somewhere along the line. I keep saying that I'll get an ipod with subtle, black earphones so that I can just sit and nod and smile at people, all the while listening to something disrespectful in my head - wish I'd gone through with that idea :)
So been sat here at my desk since 05:00 this morning and haven't even packed camera yet - yes I am taking it and no, it is not disrespectful, although the look an Angie's face when she thought I was taking my camera bag into the chapel(?) was priceless !! I would like to though, give me something to do and think about and I do love taking candid portraits of people who are displaying emotion on their faces, so please don't think bad of me if I do - It's all done in the best possible taste (that probably hasn't helped my cause but it is sincere). Dad loved photography as the many hundred of slides hidden away stand testament to. He gave me my first SLR when I was 10 or 11 and I thank him frequently for giving me the responsibility at such a young age and giving me such a potentially expressive hobby.
Anyway, I digress - must focus or it will be a very bad day. Not ignoring you, just unable to speak - my apologies up front. Please excuse any inappropriate comments - it's not just a bad habit, it is me, permanently flippant - sorry. I remember at my Nan's funeral only saying four words to my favourite cousin (no slur intended on any of the others !), Julie which caused her to burst into tears and run off and it wasn't even anything bad. Long time ago but I still feel bad about that - weird what stays with you ! And the eyes start leaking again - gonna be a hopeless sort of day I think, can't imagine how Mum is going to get through this, possibly admirably as she has been so far, trouble is I think we will all set each other off the second we are all together - maybe they should sit us in opposite corners ! :(
So, suit retrieved from dry cleaners, overpaid them for being so helpful, the smallest of the three ginormous shirts chosen and bare bits on shoes covered with polish and we set off crammed into Mary's baby tractor. Very warm day today :( Standing around at Mum's discussing our various wardrobe issues - my massive shirt, Peter's undersized shirt, Michael's this, Mum's that. Heather looking very smart and Jake looking positively sharp in his suit and then the moment that we have all been waiting for when the funeral cars arrive. Minor panic sets in and eyes begin to well up expectantly. I manage to stay surprisingly calm which I like to think is part of my brilliant idea of buying some cheap non-prescription sunglasses, so I can't actually see the expressions on anyone's face! Mum sits up front, then Michael in the 2nd row and Karen and myself in the third. The car is baking hot and no aircon but there is still that weird feeling when being in a limo in any situation of wanting people that you know to see you cruise past just so they can watch in awe, just so you can wave and say look at me, I'm dressed to the nines and cruising in a limo - resist the urge to regally wave at passers by except at the guy on a moped who stopped to let us onto the main road at the roundabout much to the annoyance of the cars behind him and then instantly regretted it I guess as we proceeded along the main road at about about 10mph!! Usual confused mingling occurs on arrival and many a soggy situation saved by beardist remarks - ZZ Top? Showing your age Karl :) Seasick Steve, Hairy Biker, even Ming or Merlin but it is a useful diversion.
We head off in, Maurice pushing Mum's wheelchair and the rest of us fall into line behind to the dulcet tones of Rod Stewart's "We Are Sailing". Have a sudden moment of panic as I realise I have no idea where the kids are or even Angie - Should have been corralling them and making sure they are okay but they are in a row or two behind me :( Can't see Mum past Karen and Michael :( With a packed chapel with many standing at the back and sides the service begins, Karen sniffles and I scrounge a tissue for my good friend, Justin Case but not being able to see anything helps the conversation remain slightly detached from reality. Survive most of it and even manage a bit or warbling when I can focus on the words but then the Very Rev Paul reads out the diatribe I had prepared verbatim (well apart from the three words that he misread!) and I struggle to remain strong. A welling up and just a single tear to be wiped to add to the drama. The Very Rev Paul reads a poem called "The Unknown Shore"? - very nice, wish I had read that before.
The Unknown Shore
Sometime at Eve when the tide is low
I shall slip my moorings and sail away
With no response to a friendly hail
In the silent hush of the twilight pale
When the night stoops down to embrace the day
And the voices call in the water's flow
Sometime at Eve When the water is low
I shall slip my moorings and sail away.
Through purple shadows
That darkly trail o'er the ebbing tide
And the Unknown Sea,
And a ripple of waters' to tell the tale
Of a lonely voyager sailing away
To mystic isles
Where at anchor lay
The craft of those who had sailed before
O'er the Unknown Sea
To the Unknown Shore
A few who watched me sail away
Will miss my craft from the busy bay
Some friendly barques were anchored near
Some loving souls my heart held dear
In silent sorrow will drop a tear
But I shall have peacefully furled my sail
In mooring sheltered from the storm and gale
And greeted friends who had sailed before
O'er the Unknown Sea
To the Unknown Shore
Service concludes, curtains are drawn and we all file out to meet 'n' greet. Mum is parked next to the flowers and muted hubbub begins. Lots of shaking of heads and hands, relative identification and faces from the past and then off to the Sailing Club. Reasonable spread but why oh why do people insist on putting sweetcorn in with tuna ?!!? Atmosphere is fairly jolly and it's good to speak to people that I haven't seen for a long time. Again, still surprised about my calmness, flippancy is king although I took a walk around the boatyard and nearly lost it while staring out through the gates at the slipway and dolphin - no one to joke with here and the splashes from a thousand happy memories spatter in my mind as the waves threaten to breach the defences in my head and heart. Back to take more photos of family groups and after a while everyone disperses and we remember it is just a normal Wednesday after all to the rest of the world. Once back I try and upload the pics and my old laptop decides to disconnect the drive mid-way through indexing and hopes of posting them early are dashed. Decide late on to abandon and go to the Seagull for tea with Mum, K&M and Nat - Jake is off to footie training as it is the last for a couple of weeks. Chris, Lou and the kids arrive and bring with them a whirlwind of volume and mayhem, much to the amusement of some and dismay of others !! Jake arrives just in time for us to leave and we wander off home to resume battling with a crippled computer.An odd day once again. Dreaded by all of us and yet far less of an ordeal then any of us thought I believe. Meant to be a celebration of Dad's life and yet I think that I have probably thought less about him today than any other day and certainly have not mourned him as much today but I guess that is the sense of the occasion, the welcome distractions and this is after all meant to be about saying goodbye and moving on with your life.
Mum was fantastic throughout as were Heather and Jake and now just the ceremony on Friday to get through.
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