Day 14

Day 14 - Nearly There

A few hours prep and the day begins with a 9 o'clock concall with the major Customer that I had to get the design completed for last week. Luckily enough no one else from EMC managed to join so I was able to defer most questions as they were mainly in response to the SME's concerns. More work thrown in for good measure then off to the Crem for the burial of the ashes, Jake still asleep after being online to his girlfriend(?) via webcam most of the night. We get there just in time and obviously before Michael (although only just!), still not entirely sure I want to go through with this and even though I said I might stay with Mum in the car, I can see various people getting upset but as Mum said; "It's not your Dad in the box" - Completely agree and after seeing the guy appear with a rake in one hand and a large industrial-looking, metal canister in the other, that feeling is completely confirmed. We trudge off nevertheless, stopping only for M&M to collect some flowers from Wednesday's funeral, petals falling with every step, adding to the sense of dis-occasion and despair, across the brown, struggling grass, past some nicely carved tree stumps to a small, white post with 'plot 19' painted crudely on it. Here there was a small indentation in the soil in front of a tree as if a small animal had been foraging for something tasty, we all stood and stared at it for a moment and then the man in black lent across, positioned the canister in the well of soil and pulled the lever. Didn't help that I was instantly reminded of emptying a Dyson vacuum cleaner and wondered how bad it would be if the wind was gusting - solemn thoughts are now far away :(


After a short while when I guess I should have been remembering and praying, we wander off back down the path, passing floral tributes scattered carefully throughout the flower beds in various states of decay with pathside plants also showing signs of water shortage and looking tired and forlorn - must remember to mention it to Heather as it could be a nice photo-assignment, some moving black and whites of dead floral tributes on aged gravestones in St. Mary's churchyard etc. combining love, life and death or something. When I was at school in Dortmund, Germany there was a huge, grand cemetery across the road from the school where we would sometimes go for lunch. Beautiful shrubbery and impressive statues, monoliths and obelisk but it commanded a deep sense of respect (except when it snowed heavily and it then become a valuable source of untouched snow!). Something I really didn't feel in our little crem. :(

So, M&M&Mum off to Uncle Mick's for the day, Heather, K&H off to the flicks and my fellow wizard Tony off to the Watercress Line (if bus schedules allow), so Angie and me head off to the precinct to return a mountain of books to the library for Heather. I end up munching a crusty cheese and pickle roll whilst waiting for Angie to finish her shopping, sat on a bench in the pri - can almost appreciate Tony's current way of life, just sitting there, watching the world rush past.  Brief moment of solace and solitude broken by Angie returning with her fayre and phone calls from work :(
Back home to continue work and then fall asleep waiting for old laptop to respond for an hour or so :( More work, another concall, this time with Jon and then give up for a small vodka+coke before curry night ! :)


Heather is really dreading going to work tomorrow as she apparently spent most of last week worrying how Mum was and made a few mistakes through lack of concentration - all not helped by some of the 'inspirational' comments made by her boss in the last report. Eventually get to speak to the man (Peter) and he manages to get someone to cover her shift, now knows about Dad and will speak to her next week properly about her fears. Drop her round Mum's for the night shift (it really only was a very small vodka - just the dregs of the bottle some 4.5 hrs ago), pick up bits and pieces and back home to fall asleep in front of the TV.


So was that it then? Felt more guilty today about not working than any time over the past 2 weeks and yet have probably worked more. A few weeks of pain, suffering and grief and we're all done? Today's visit to the crem, underlined the episode in a way by making it an emotionless, formal ritual, far more than Wednesday did and I can say Dad's name and explain rationally my time time over the past few weeks, although getting too nostalgic is not really possible :(
I wouldn't say I have forgotten Dad but I do seem to have overcome the initial shock of his sudden departure and using the excuse of; "I'm sorry but my Father has just passed away", is beginning to feel more of an excuse than a genuine cause. I think that writing this blog has helped in it's own little way and by documenting my thoughts, they have become more tangible and easier to stand apart from and deal with. Two weeks ago we were scared, confused and fearful of the future and now... not nothing, more like Dad's off on another assignment - best keep an eye on the post and look after Mum.