Day 13

Day 13 - Step 1 to Normality?

Douglas Adams must have had a bigger affect on my subconscious than I thought, normality? all that springs to mind is; "Five to one against and falling..." she said, "four to one against and falling...three to one...two...one...probability factor of one to one...we have normality, I repeat we have normality." She turned her microphone off — then turned it back on, with a slight smile and continued: "Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.", which is quite touching really. The teddy bears have had their picnic (unless you are a fan of the brilliant Mongrels and have had your memory of this forever tainted, nay (did I really say that!?!), corrupted!!) and that is that, chapter almost over. :( Strange, last three words brings a tear to my eye - something very strange with actually admitting that that is it, game over, no more, nicht, zilch, null points from (was going to say Norway but they deserve far more respect than that), nowhereland. Instant guilt about being emotionless, glib, flippant again, cautious realisation of being practical and more guilt for even considering it - talk about messed up - is this really the same for everyone? I guess it is (other than the vocality of it all) but WTF? What purpose does this all serve? (Get out team evangelist soapbox once again!) - A need for raising awareness, a need to tell all, to force the memories to be preserved and recounted, to enable the socialisation of experiences ? - weird.

Got back into some real work today and instantly spent time feeling guilty about not mourning. It's okay if I am talking to people on the phone but my focus is still off. Chatted to Brian and Clive about project issues and get this feeling that I am not really listening or commited to my replies - weird, again. I am telling everyone that I'll be back, fully functional on Monday but part of me thinks this may last longer but how can I justify this to Work? "I'm feeling a little sad today, so I'd rather not work? - I don't think so - maybe I can get away wth just working mornings for a couple of weeks? That would prevent any human contact on the whole !

Anyway, Heather is out at the Sea Life centre this morning (and awake before Mum!!), Jake is glued to the laptop and Angie is reading a book - so no point in doing anything other than work. Court the idea of popping off down Southsea to meet Heather et al for lunch for a few short minutes before phone calls put paid to that. The old laptop had been rebooted early this morning and has been reindexing 50GB+ of photos since 02:00hrs with the cpu at a flat 100% - gonna take some time so I upload via Google+ without resizing and it takes it all and with no change to my quota!! 

Not spoken with Mum at all today but she has been out and about, Heather doesn't make it home at all :( Will see them both tomorrow at the burial ceremony at the Crem.